Happy mothers day!

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For my first Mothers Day, Abe got me the mother of all pumps!

The Medela Symphony!! WhooHoo! It's a hospital grade pump that will make pumping for the next year(!) much easier. Happy Mothers Day to ME:)

 

Being a mother is something you cannot fully understand until you do it. I thought I knew what it would be like and how much love I'd have for Santiago, but the truth is, I had NO IDEA it would be like this and the amount of love I have for my child surpasses any love I have ever felt before.

You know the cliche... "everything happens for a reason." Well, the reason Abe and I met and fell in love was so that Santi could come into this world, Abe could be his father and I could be his mother. He is the reason I exist.

As I sit here and write this with baby poop staining my sweats, it's very clear that being a mom is the hardest and most rewarding thing I've ever done, poop and all.

Cheers for beers

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Who are these people?

We are still in Carlsbad...can't bring ourselves to leave!

Six nights in our own bed has been so good for us. This week Abe painted a mural with friends at the UCSD Good Life Festival. I ventured out of the house (gasp!) for a much needed pedicure and a much needed kettlebell class. I now have pretty toes and sore buns, loving both equally!

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. To celebrate we loaded Santi up in the car, oxygen and all, and went to Islands for burgers and beer. I can't tell you how excited we were! We kept high-fiving and telling each other "we're doing it, we're doing it!" It's these simple things that we used to take for granted that we now cherish. I had not had a sip of alcohol since August 1, 2011. I'm not a huge beer drinker, but let. me. tell. you. That Islands Golden Ale was a deliciously tasty beverage! I thoroughly enjoyed it :) And then I drank a ton of water and waited 3 hours before I pumped.

Santi, as usual, slept through all of the excitement. (I'm surprised all of our high fives didn't wake him.)

It's these little adventures and taking time to connect with our former selves that reassure me that our true-selves are still here. They are trapped in the tired bodies of sleepy, unshowered, unshaven zombie parents...but they're still here.

 

Santi's first trip home!

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As much as we have enjoyed our LA house, we started to get a little home sick and a little stir crazy.

Santi didn't have any appointments this week, so on Monday we packed up the car and headed south. That sounds easy enough, but it took 3 hours to pack up! Santi does not travel light. We needed his clothes, blankies, pacifiers, diapers, wipes, medicine, oxygen, pulse ox machine, car seat, stroller and of course Mr. Adorable himself. It took time, but we did it.

This was Santiago's longest car ride yet and he did fantastic! He slept the whole way. We were excited to show Santi his home for the first time. Oh, it has been so wonderful to be home! I have always loved our house, but right now I really, REALLY, LOVE it! There is nothing like your own bed.

My BFF Melissa and her hubby Kirk came over Monday night and brought us a home cooked dinner. It was delicious and just what we needed.

We will go back to LA on Friday with a new appreciation for how lovely Carlsbad is.

 

Hungry hungry hippo

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It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed Santiago.

When I was pregnant, I bought nursing bras, tank tops and covers for nursing in public. I assumed that it would be easy. It's this natural things that mammals do, nurse our young. I have what he needs and I thought he'd instinctually know what to do and want to do it.

I was SO wrong. Breastfeeding is hard. Our situation was made even harder by several factors. His poor little heart doesn't have the stamina to work as hard as he needs to, to get the calories he needs to gain weight and then there was that awful nurse that gave him his first bottle. The bottle that derailed all previous work we did with the lactation nurse. Since then it's been all bottles. Just the sight of my boobs makes him scream with terror.

Sorry to sound like a milk snob, but I cant even think about giving him straight formula. Not at his age. I want him to have breast milk with all it's nutrients and antibodies. And that's what he gets. Yes, I do fortify with a high calorie formula to help him pack on the pounds, but not every bottle. Sometimes, I give him freshly pumped milk, nothing added, just pure mommy goodness.

Because of this determination to give him only the BEST, I spend 3+ hours a day pumping milk in 20 minute increments. I even pump overnight. After his 2am feeding, I stay up and pump, pump, pump.

Last week, I noticed my supply getting low and I freaked the F out! Every time I pumped, I seemed to get less and less milk. If I run out, he is left with nothing but formula. Just the thought breaks my heart and makes me feel
like a failure.

So I searched the Internet for milk making suggestions and found some advice. In addition to pumping religiously around the clock, I started taking fanugreek, more milk plus and drinking nursing support tea throughout the day. Plus I have some more supplements on the way.

I was skeptical at first, but the proof is in the output. It's working! Just in time too. Santi is now taking 90+ ml at each feed. I call him my hungry hungry hippo.

 

 

Dear Santi, my first letter to you

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Dear Santi, my little love

Throughout our relationship, I have always called your dad, "my love," or just "love." Naturally, you are my "little love," so that's what I call you. I get a kick out of thinking about the day that you, my little love, will be bigger than me. Even then I will call you "little love."

You are four weeks old today, but we have only had you home for one week. Someday we will tell you about those first three weeks of your life, but not today. Your first week home went pretty smooth, you seem to be taking it easy on us. Thank you! You are a good baby who likes routine and loves to eat. You like your pacifier, being held and listening to music. This week we listened to The XX, Sade, Adele, Led Zeppelin, The Arcade Fire and Gotye.

You make the sweetest faces. You smack your lips when we give you your medicine. Your eyes get wide with surprise when you go "boom" in your diaper. You fart, a lot. For someone so small to make a noise that's so big, it's pretty cute. You are still on oxygen and have to wear a nasal cannula most of the time. But you are so strong and coordinated that you try to pull the tube off your face. With your finger nails being as sharp as they are, we've started keeping you in mittens. We call them "kitten mittens." We even call you kitten mitten.

You have at least one dimple, you might have two. Your eyes are still a greyish blue. We keep wondering if they're going to change. However, your grandmother Coco, Auntie Melissa and I, all had dreams about you having blue eyes before you were born. Time will tell. And then there's your hair! You were born with a full head of thick brown hair that could rival a 3 year old pageant queen. Your hair is gorgeous. It's lightened up a bit and there might even be hints of red in there. Again, time will tell.

I know we barely just met, but I am madly in love with you. So is your dad. So are your Grandparents, Great Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles. We all love you so much. You have changed us and ourlives forever and for better. I hope that you are able to feel the great energy of love that surrounds you and carry it with you throughout your life. Never having one moment of doubt. Not one moment of wondering if you are loved. You are loved. And those three words don't even scratch the surface or do our love for you justice.

Now that we found you, none of us will ever be the same.

Love, Mama

1 month

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1 month ago today, Santiago Banks was born.

It's amazing how one little life can impact so many others.

The past four weeks have gone by fast and slow all at the same time. Some days flew by and then there were hours when time stood still, like during his surgery. We have been on a roller coaster of emotions. Overwhelmed with happiness meeting our son for the first time, soon followed by sadness and heartache knowing what challenges he would have to face. I don't know how a newborn knows how to be brave, but he knew. He didn't just face major challenges in his first month of life, he conquered them. He is amazing! And now he's home!

He steals our hearts a million times a day, with every expression and funny face he makes.

 Happy one month Birthday little love!

 

Bath Time

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At the hospital, the nurses gave Santi his bath around midnight every night. He was always fussy and seemed to hate getting a bath. His first few days at home I continued with their routine, giving him his bath after his 11pm feeding. He would get so upset! I decided to switch it up and bathe him in the morning after his 11am feeding.

Ahh, much better!! Now he loves bath time and I love seeing him happy!

48 hours

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Santi has been home for a total of 48 hours and we are all doing great.

The first night was rough. The combination of adrenaline, no sleep, figuring out how to set up all of Santi's accessories in the most functional way and then needing to leave the house by 8am Friday morning for his first pediatric check up, left Abe and I very sleepy, but we did it.

Last night was much smoother. Abe and I both napped in the afternoon which made the overnight feedings a lot better. We changed Santiago's nasal cannula during bath time. While he was without oxygen, we hooked up his pulse ox so we could monitor his sats and heart rate. Santi did so great. He was without oxygen for about an hour and his sats were perfect, 79-83 and his heart rate was perfect too. Hopefully we can wean him off oxygen within the next few weeks.

Finally photos without tubes!

 

 

Having him home is the best. He is so sweet and cute and such a good baby! We are in awe of him, his strength and his charming personality. I truly believe that he can feel the love that all of you, our friends, family and even strangers have been sending him. We couldn't have gotten this far without all of your love and prayers. THANK YOU!

Please keep it up. We need to keep him healthy this summer until his next surgery.

Santi's Homecoming

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On 4/12/12, after 20 days in the hospital, we finally got to bring our baby boy home!

Exciting? YES! Scary? OMG YES! Knowing that this little guys life is literally in our hands is so intense. More so than bringing home a healthy newborn. We have to make sure he's getting enough oxygen, enough food and that his sats (blood oxygen saturation) stay within his normal range (75%-85%). We were sent home with O2 tanks and a Pulse Ox monitor. He is on .25 of a liter of oxygen continuously and we check his sats 3 times a day.

 

When we told Santi he was coming home he was like, "oh my gosh you guys! Are you serious?!" Abe made a shirt to commemorate the special day.

 

We can't get enough kisses

 

Getting loaded into the car seat

 

Here we go! ByeBye CHLA!

 

Welcome home Santiago Banks!

 

Big sister Stella checking out her new brother

 

Enjoying the sights and sounds of his new environment

Car seat test

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Now that he is eating, his ticket home is to pass the car seat test: 90 minutes in the car seat without "de-sating," which means keeping his blood oxygen saturation between 75-85%. And keeping his heart rate from jumping up.

His first attempt was last night. He only lasted 10 minutes before he de-sated and his pulse was too high. Poor baby! I think he had anxiety from sitting in his car seat for the very first time...but that's just my theory. We will try again tonight, and every night until he can be comfortable in his seat. I consider us extremely lucky that the car seat test is his only hold up.

As much as I want him to come home, I only want him home if he's ready. Every heart family has a story about being discharged and having to turn around and get readmitted within a few days.

No rush baby Santi, take your time. You'll come home exactly when you are suppose to.

What's missing?

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The photo on the left is from Monday morning and the photo on the right is from today. So, what's missing?
...his NG tube! The feeding tube that went from his nose to his belly was removed on Monday afternoon! Hooray!

He is eating like a champ. Taking 55-70 mL's every 3 hours. We are still working on nursing, but the majority of his meals are my milk fortified with a little bit of high calorie formula.

The feeding challenge

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Feeding and gaining weight is the most important goal right now. Santi needs to get enough, by mouth, without working too hard to get it.

In an effort to keep up with Santiago's feedings I have stayed with him the past few nights nights. As a result, the blog has suffered (sorry!) but his feeding has improved everyday.

He eats every 3 hours starting at 12:30am then 3:30am, 6:30am and so on. We started nursing (or trying to) on Thursday afternoon. He did okay. He has pretty good suck and swallow coordination but he didn't quite "get it" at first. Which everyone assured me was normal.

I nursed him through every feeding on Thursday night/Friday morning. He was only taking roughly 10cc's from me, then he would be so exhausted he'd fall asleep. The rest, up to 45cc was given through his NG tube. That's the feeding tube that goes into his nose, down to his tummy.

On Friday our nurse rigged a "paci-trainer." Basically a pacifier with a tube and syringe of food attached. This was to help him put together the idea of sucking and getting the reward of food without having to work as hard as he does while breast feeding.

So we alternated breast feeding and the paci-trainer Friday night/Saturday morning. He did GREAT with the paci-trainer and a little better at nursing.

On Saturday morning he got a new nurse with a new plan. She wanted him to started eating from a bottle. I didn't love the idea, but the most important thing for Santi is that he gets my milk, by mouth and he gets enough of it. I have never fed a baby from a bottle, so I had some training. It started kinda rough, but overnight he really started to pick it up. This morning he finished his 55cc bottle in no time!

Since gaining weight is a major goal, my milk is being fortified with 24 calories of formula. I didn't love that idea either. But if he doesn't gain enough weight or learn to take his entire feed by mouth, the future alternative is a G-tube. A feeding tube straight through his belly. This terrifies me and we'll do whatever we need to to avoid a G-tube!